This post was originally posted in september 2012 and taken of the blog that same month as requested by the Salvation Army national leadership. I am now reposting it as it was an important step on the journey. This post in itself was an experiment in being open, authentic and vulnerable. The post pushed a lot of buttons and triggered a lot of emotion, I am guessing it will do so again. The fact that I was required to remove the post and that I am no longer employed by the Salvation Army pretty much answers the question at the end of the text.

I guess it is one thing to talk about LGBTQ issues and theologise around the idea of alternate sexualities and queerness and another completely to come out and say: I am queer.

Having said that how do you even know when you are queer? I have fought this ongoing battle with my sexuality, all my life.

First I have always fallen in love with more than one person at a time and I do not think I ever stopped loving any of my ex girlfriends. I do not think I have a single relationship in my sordid history where I have been completely faithful in the classical sense of the word, that is, not dating or sleeping with someone else while in that particular relationship. Now there is nothing even slightly positive, loving or Christian about cheating. But loving is positive, Christian and omigosh: loving. Had these clandestine encounters in the past been in the light it would have brought me into the world of polyamory.

Second, I have, as a martial arts instructor always fantasised about the fight-turns-into-sexual-encounter. The thoughts include serious locks, chokes, slaps, strikes and sometimes even ropes that bring the fantasy well into the realm of BDSM.

As a Christian I have been told to suppress my sexual deviations. It’s simply not wholesome or Christian so tuck it in down deep somewhere where it cannot possibly come up and disturb your life, your marriage etc. The trouble is that when you suppress your sexuality you suppress your libido and the marriage suffers anyway. It’s like living a lie and only giving part of yourself into the marriage because a heavy dose of shame and guilt makes sure you never share these thoughts. Surely no normal person would think this way at least no proper Christian!

So deeper and deeper into the closet we go. Is it queer? Is it if confessed openly and never acted upon? Is it, if lived out? But what would happen if I come out and voice these thoughts? Will I loose my friends, my ministry, my calling? Will it destroy my marriage?

Will writing a blog post like this make me a pariah, outcast from the Christian fellowship? Are we truly a redemptive, forgiving, grace community. Where every prodigal is loved and cherished no matter how queer the secret? Or do we only want fellowship wearing masks, hiding our uniqueness, our queerness, pretending to all be straight, vanilla Christians who always play by the rules and never cross any boundaries? Let’s find out!

The next post in this series continues this line of thought, read it

here.

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