There is a race on, theres always a race. Bring a bunch of people together and the game is on. Who is the best, who is the greatest who is number one.
It is true outside the church and inside the church. Who is the holiest, who is the best preacher, who has the deepest insight and sometimes the most ridiculous competition of all who is the most humble.
It is sad to see that while Christians often mock the world for their shallow and worldly motives we fail to see that the same motives run deep in our own congregation. It’s the me first attitude, where we compete in every aspect of our Christian life. I am praying more, I am Holier, I am fasting more, I am the best preacher etc. It is sad to see when the pursuit of holiness becomes the biggest obstacle for holiness. Only when we give up the race against everyone else and start seeking God first do we have any chance of attaining any favor in Gods eyes. Only when we are willing to put God first, our neighbor second and ourselves at the end of the line can we even start claiming holiness but when we are there holiness in itself means nothing only the closeness to God becomes important. It is when we become broken empty shellsthat God can fill us with His joy, His love, His power and His presence.
Graeme Smith writes about brokeness over at the uksalvationist and while I agree that brokeness is the prerequisite to holiness I believe we need to take it even further. To realize and acknowledge our own sinfullness is a good, to realize that the world is broken and so are we is a good starting point. But I believe that true brokeness only comes when we are naked in front of God crying out in despair, Who am I that you think of me? When we have tried everything and failed, when we no longer care what people or even what God thinks. This is when we enter Gods throne room with nothing of our own and we acknowledge that all belongs to Him and we are but His bondservants.
I truly believe that the bigger personalities we have, the harder will those life lessons be that brings us to our knees aand forces us to bow thou our sinful nature wants us to make our claim for fame.
I have a big ego and a large personality and that has cost me many moments where God has had to break me. Moments where I have like Job shouted out in anger saying: why are you doing this to me? Moments where I have like a two year old stomped away and slammed the door in Gods face only to crawl back later begging for mercy and grace when God answers where where you when I laid the foundations of the earth.
I hope that I can lay down my crown and my cape, leave my pride behind and truly be an empty vessel cracked and dry. So that He can do with me what He has planned. Only in the absence of my own agenda can I adress the issues of spiritual disciplines in my life and only do it out of Love for Him that loved us first.
And in my case, it wasn’t until I was completely broken and by all accounts, in the place called Hell, that I had nothing left to cling to, not even hope or vanity – only then dared I say: “I have nothing but myself.”
And Christ replied: “And God is with you always”.
Such was my meeting with Christ. It’s in peril and despair that many of us meet Him, when we no longer hold on to our worldy illusions of grandeur, but dare to come weak and honest and be loved in spite of our failings.
God is Infinite. God is Eternal. God is Love.
And from this springs Christianity.
I have a long journey yet, but I am no longer afraid in spirit.
I wrote the article on the plane on the way to the Assessment Conference and have only just got round to typing it up. The bit I left off the post was the personal reflection that I wrote off the back of the thought which was very much along the lines of what you wrote towards the end!