Ten years later – any wiser?

This entry is part 13 of 13 in the series Poly

I was sitting on my brothers couch in Skarpnäck, Stockholm with him and his wife. As it often does, the polyamoury conversation came up. For once not the usual very intimate probing questions about bedroom activities. Rather the conversation was about emotions, communication and logistics.

The conversation allowed me to reflect on the Journey so far and it has been ten years of journying through the terra incognita that is polyamoury, Ethical Non Monogamy, open relating. What have I learned, if anything, that I can pass on?

Here are ten tips taken from some of the things (far from everything) that I have learned aalong the way!

This path is not for everyone – It takes deep commitment and hard work (especially emotional work) to succesfully navigate this way of life. It is also not the more evolved/enlightened way of living, it is just a different way of life.

Every relationship is different and unique – Just as every person is different, each relationship has it’s own unique DNA that is made up of the people in it and their agreements, desires and boundaries. Nobody has the right to tell you how to shape your relationships. In the world of poly there are many strong opinions on how it *should* be done. You are the author of your life and your relationships, listen to advice but remember that it is always up to you in the end.

Loving communication is the foundation – The relationships you are in are only as strong as your communication Kung-Fu and communicating with love and empathy goes a long way, everytime.

Communicate early and often – It is better to overshare than to undershare. Have talks with your partners often to define and redefine your journey and your agreements.

Baby steps – If you are opening up with a partner, move at the speed of the one that moves the slowest. If you are not with a partner, still move slow, respect the speed your heart and body wants to move.

You don’t owe anyone anything – There will be people who question your choices, you do not owe anyone any answers or explanations. Other people will assume you will want to be with them, in this follow your true desire. Again, you do not owe anyone anything.

The only constant is change – Nothing is forever. If you decide to adopt a certain relational style, try it on for a certain time, no decision has to be forever.

Allow yourself to experiment and to change your mind – Just because it feels right today, does not mean it is right for tomorrow. Give yourself permission to try something and to change your mind.

Trial and error – There is no manual and no map for how to do this. Things will go wrong, not all the time, but sometimes. This is ok! Either you will have a good experience or you will have a good story!

Be kind to yourself – Love yourself, the maxim: you can only love someone to the depth you love yourself, is very true. Make sure you treat yourself to self-care, self dates, quality time.

Remember your relationship and your relationship style is yours and it is up to you to decide, define what you like and how you like it. No person or societal norm gets to tell you how to do it. If you want to do celibacy, monogamy or polyamory or maybe even something that does not look like any of those go for it!

What are your top relationship tips?

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