Anyone that was around when Hanna and I met knows that we had such an energetic attraction that generated sparks. And anyone we ever met assumed that when we got married that vibrant passion was carried into the marriage and into the bedroom with us.

Nothing could be further from the truth. From our wedding night sex just didn’t work right. It was awkward and not at all passionate. It was physically impossible at times as our bodies tried to tell us to change something. So we did what any Christian would do, we prayed, read our bibles and pretended everything was fine. The church could not offer us any helpful advise and the professional sexologists would just advise porn or kink which was not appealing to us at the time as we where upstanding members of the Christian community.

A thousand and one nights later (that’s fairy tale language for a very long time) after countless accusations, fights and simply giving up we kinda settled into the idea that we would be that couple who reads books and watches TV in the sofa at night.

But it never worked as we are both sexual beings with passion to spare. This had to be fixed or we would not be able to stay married in any healthy way.

Fast forward 14 years from our wedding when we in desperation stumble in to a local tantra festival where for the first time we found a place and people who not only can speak constructively about sexuality but have found a way to combine their sexuality and spirituality. Not through porn and easy kicks but through a deep exploration of the heart and integrating the intellectual, spiritual, emotional body into the actual physical body.

So we started reading about tantra and doing tantra courses, it was all beautiful and intriguing but nothing really changed.

Until the day we got a tantra massage. Going to the tantra temple in Copenhagen and receiving a tantra massage together as a couple was probably one of the most life changing and transformative decisions we have ever made.

Not only did we receive a beautiful and healing massage but there was an energetic transfer of a new way of being. A new way of understanding sexuality, love making and the integration of our energetic and physical bodies. This was the first step on a journey from dysfunctional sex to blissful tantric lovemaking, from a dysfunctional confrontative marriage to an honest, truthful, raw, vulnerable, exciting, challenging, loving, magic marriage.

From there we learned the art of tantra massage and give not only each other but also others the gift of transformational love and freedom.

3 responses to “How tantra saved our marriage”

  1. Timothy McPherson Avatar

    Do you have any insights as to how tantra would work (or not work) for those who have suffered sexual abuse?

    1. Patrik Olterman Avatar

      I think that Tantra is excellent for somebody that has suffered sexual abuse as it reframes sex as deep heart connected lovemaking creating a sacred container in which one can safely unpack and deal with past trauma. This of course is assuming one does not walk into a tantra school that uses shock and boundary crossing as it’s main tool for spiritual progress.

      1. Simon Rose Avatar

        Patrik, as both a Tantra practitioner and separately, sex abuse therapist, I would add that I think therapy comes before Tantra. Some emotional healing is required before any physical touch should be used (sexual or otherwise). I’ve seen disasters where tantric massage was used as a tool for sexual abuse healing. No. Heal the wound first then use Tantra to reconnect with sexuality.

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