It’s always there isn’t it! Today my father was in town and there was talk of them coming by our Sunday service. I spent all the extra energy to make it a spectacular service, after all my dad has never seen me lead a service nor preach, and I was so happy that he would come and se as we are doing Epic (A cinematic experiential church service with loads of story telling).
And there we are, I am arriving at the church three hours before the service, exhausted (haven’t slept well), but hey we are doing Epic act 2, a whole service on the war in heaven and the enemy. And then I find out that our tech person isn’t going to show up to do the presentation and sound (Very bad with a service relying heavily on video, sound and lights). But again we are doing a whole service on the enemy some opposition is to be expected.
Then comes the news. My dad has decided to go watch my brothers girlfriend in a rowing race rather than coming to the service and I am down, K.O’d. out of action. Suddenly I am again the 11 year old kid who’s father has told him he is going to send him away. The 12 year old who has to go alone to the train station because his fathers new family needs him more, the 13 year old … well you get the picture. All the old wounds are so fresh and hurting. And here comes the lies, my old friends, you are unimportant, you are a nobody, you are not worth anybodies time.
And I make the same resolutions all over again, fine, I don’t need anyone, I am all alone on my own and I will just prove them all that I don’t need them!
I walk through the rest of the day in a daze and, I cant really meet my fathers eyes or engage in the conversation at dinner. I don’t want it all out now not with all the family (his and mine) around.
Does it ever end, must this destructive pattern repeat ad infinitum. I sure hope not, I don’t know how much more of this I can take.