It is one of the biggest myth in the heteronormative world we live in, that pleasure somehow is gendered. I personally had to do some heavy lifting in terms of shadow work to root out this deep conditioning.
Pleasure is experienced though our various senses touch, taste, smell, sound, and through what we see. While it is true that our sexual orientation determines what shapes, bodytypes we are initially attracted to and it is true that, for some, this is experienced as being attracted to a specific gender.
It is equally true that for most of the sensations that we would describe as pleasurable, gender has little or nothing to do with it. When you taste a juicy strawberry, it does not matter what gender it is or what gender was the hand that handed you the strawberry as the pleasure experienced is happening mainly in your tastebuds. It is true that if we are in a romantic setting, with the right music, the right lighting and the right person (a person we love or a person we are physically attracted to) this sensation can be enhanced and therefore we can experience more pleaseure. The thing is these pleasure enhancers are all in our head. It is as if we are outsourcing our ability to feel pleasure, and being turned on to whatever being we have projected our desire on. What if we where to source that quality that enhances our experience from within ourselves. What if I would get excited, attracted, turned on just by being alive, by having a body that could feel all these amazing pleasurable feelings. What if I where to just experience the pleasure as pleasure.
It is easy to get there with the strawberry or a cold beer on a hot summers day. What if we could do this also when it comes to our experience of touch. What if I could close my eyes and feel your touch and experience it as pleasurable regardless of your gender. Again this is somewhat easy to do if someone is playing with my hair, softly caressing my arm or massaging my stiff shoulders. If I can experience pleasure regardless of the gender of the giver, it is most likely because this person is good at giving touch and therefore gives it in a way that is pleasurable, and not because the person has a specific physiology. Now if I am able to do this, would it not also be true if the person instead, of massaging my shoulders or touching my arm, was touching me someplace much more intimate. Could I enjoy a delicious kiss and feel the full pleasure of it even if it is given from someone I am not physically attracted to. Can I enjoy the gentle strokes of a hand on my body, regardless of whom that hand belongs to.
Pleasure is pleasure! If my body is experiencing pleasure, who am I to say that it is not good based on my prejudice? Who am I to allow the normative indoctrination and/or the conditioning of my upbringing to stand between me and the posible pleasure I could receive?
I challenge you to welcome pleasure in whatver form it is offered, in whatever shape it takes. Adopt an if it feels good it is good attitude when it comes to the pleasure you are experiencing. Now, I am not saying to do away with good judgement, discernment or in any way to violate your own boundaries. I am, however, asking you to suspend judgement based on gender stereotypes and heteronormative conditioning. If you feel safe, if you are having a goood time and if you happen to be surprised by something pleasurable that you might not have thought would be … allow it to be pleasurable. Don’t judge yourself for enjoying it. And maybe adjust your boundaries and expectations accordingly.
