It just did, one day I had stopped feeling. I was thinking a lot, thinking I was sad, happy or angry. But I wasn’t rally feeling it. My feelings dialed down to a low hum or buzzing at the bottom of my heart to low to even register.
It must have happened gradually, little by little I chose not to feel. Not to get hurt, not to get sad, not to feel anything really. THinking I was content, thinking I was ok but really I was dead or a living dead. Zombiefied, shambling through life, keeping up the sharade of being a functional being.
I thought I was ok, I thought that it was age, that when you are young you feel things intensely but as you get older the intensity decreases, you gradually go numb.
I don’t know maybe I could have gone on forever not feeling, but something happened, something that shook me out of my numbness. I was taken by surprise and the world turned upside down. Love embraced me and for a moment I thought it was going to kill me. The pain of suddenly feeling so much after feeling nothing floored me. As I was trying to move this emotional storm my past hurts, dissapointments and emotional garbage dog piled on me and from slowly dying fro pain I went to fearing total disintegration. I felt a little bit like the Grinch when his heart suddenly expanded.
But in this I was not alone, friends lent their support and I was held by an angel. Not physically, but emotionally, reaching out for support and getting it.
As the tears ebbed out, and as the pain slowly subsided, I felt fresh, new but raw and just a tad unhinged.
Today I am cleanaing the apartment and as I am vaccuuming the floors I sing, I dance, I cry and I laugh. but mostly I feel, I feel so much, I feel alive.